Mixed Emotions

Written on 2008-12-26

I safely arrived home on Dec 23. I have to admit when the plane touched down at Pearson airport I felt much trepidation. Of course it was nice to be seeing my family for Christmas, but looking out at the modern developed city, the lights, traffic, snow and ice, so many emotions came over me. I’m not sure I really wanted to be in Toronto. A part of me really wanted to be back in Africa. I wished I were in Zanzibar for the reunion party or back in Malawi working with my fish farmers or anywhere where the weather was warmer. Going back to my parents in Mississauga in the middle of winter between jobs was not where I wanted to be at the moment. I’m aware that I’m feeling reverse culture shock, which I expected, but it still feels unsettling all the same. And it never gets any easier after each overseas assignment (this being my third).

While on the airport runway I struggled with anxious emotions about being home, another side of me was glad to be back. This is difficult to admit (especially on my blog for all to read) but the thing that I am most happy to return to is not my family, nor the Christmas holiday, it’s my wardrobe. I know it sounds awful but its true. I am so happy to be surrounded by my closets of clothes, shoes and jewelery boxes. A guilty indulgence of mine, like sex or chocolate. It’s really nice to have more than a few basic outfits and two pairs of shoes (sandals or sneakers) to wear.

(On a side note this also set me thinking about my double standard for clothing depending on the country. I went to Malawi thinking that work attire would be casual because I perceived the environment to be too rugged and the staff poor. But my co-workers at the office dressed quite well. The ladies were in suits and high heels, even though there were no paved sidewalks in town. I feel like I had not respected their workplace by treating each day like casual Friday. (Of course my target beneficiaries were dressed quite differently, often lacking shoes entirely.) My friend Anna who was in Malawi with me also had the same wardrobe issue but had the sense enough to get her parents to send over her business suits, although I think it was more of an issue for her as she was in the city and I was in a smaller town. I’m grateful to her for lending me high heels whenever I came into Lilongwe!)

After all my work with the poverty stricken beneficiaries, I’m a little ashamed to admit that I’ve spent most of Boxing Day watching the ‘What Not to Wear’ marathon on TLC. I realized it was necessary when I was getting dressed for a Xmas eve party and I had no idea what to wear because I haven’t seen any fashion articles in 6 months. I didn’t think my chitenje would cut it.

I am torn about these thoughts. Part of me wants to be back working in Africa or SE Asia but another part of me enjoys going out in Toronto all dressed up again. Isn’t it selfish and shallow to want all these things? I went out shopping for the Boxing Day sales and dropped $200 at the mall and all I was thinking about was what that money could have been put towards in my projects back in Dedza and Ntcheu. It’s the same feeling I had when I was going to get my pedicure in Lilongwe and passed by the beggar. Is it enough to do some humanitarian work and then return to my self-indulgence? Struggling with these thoughts can drive you a mad if you let them. I suppose the route I’ve decided to take is to move my career in a humanitarian/ethical direction but to maintain a certain level of luxury for myself at the same time. I’m not prepared to give up these little things so I just have to deal with it. Sometimes it feels like I live a double life. During one part of the year I am bathing with a scoop and bucket by candlelight, and a few months later I’m taking long hot showers with deep moisturizing conditioners before going out to dinner parties in my high heels and jewelery. I know I really shouldn’t feel guilty about this. Most people want this life. If you gave any person the option for this luxury I’d say 99% would say yes so I shouldn’t feel bad about giving into creature comforts. I know that by giving up those things I still couldn’t solve all the worlds’ problems so why shouldn’t I enjoy this?
(I am looking down my nose at Homer’s crayon once again.)

Besides being confused about returning to my typical Canadian life I am also unsure of how to answer peoples questions about my work and travel in Malawi and Kenya. When I am asked the inevitable question – How was Africa? I respond simply with – Incredible! A one-word answer to a question people are expecting a speech. If people want me to talk about my time there they need to ask me specific questions or I have no idea what to say because there is just too much. It’s like being asked How’s Life? You’d respond by saying Good or Alright. But that person would like to know a bit more about how your life is going than just that one word, so they’ll go on and ask the more detailed questions. I want to talk about my experience, and tell people in North America how understood Africa is, but it is such a huge topic. So as an advance notice for those of you I have yet to talk with please ask the question as specific as you want the answer to be. I hope what I’ve just written doesn’t make me sound agitated, because I’m not at all – it’s good to talk to people from home. It’s just a recurring conversational issue and nobody seems to realize that they are asking vague questions expecting exact answers.

To sum up this blog – I’ve been 3 days home and how do I feel? Mixed emotions and a loss of what to say to people. Hopefully it will get easier as I continue my transition. It always does.